One Year, 52 Articles: Unveiling My Secret Struggle

Author

Ed Clementi
March 10, 2025

One year. Fifty-two weeks. When I started The FireStarter newsletter a year ago, I made a promise to myself: publish an article every single week, rain or shine, good days and bad. I wasn’t sure I could do it – but here we are at the 52nd edition, one full year of consistency. This milestone means a lot to me, and I knew I wanted to mark it with something deeply meaningful.

Over the past few weeks, I’ve been wrestling with how to mark this milestone—how to honor a year-long journey that’s meant so much to me. What I’ve been debating for some time now is whether this would be the right moment to share something deeply personal, something I’ve kept hidden for most of my life.

After much reflection, I decided to finally open up and share a story I’ve kept to myself for far too long.

This isn’t easy for me. This is something even many of my close friends and family don’t know. I’ve carried this hidden battle since childhood, through every stage of my life.

Here we go…

The Toughest Part of My Journey So Far

This is about my battle with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). I was in the 5th grade when the first signs appeared. At the time, it started as little rituals that might have seemed trivial to anyone watching. I remember checking the stove in our kitchen multiple times a night – even if we hadn’t cooked anything – just to be sure it was off. I would flick light switches on and off repeatedly before leaving a room, convinced that if I didn’t, something bad might happen. I didn’t understand why I felt compelled to do these things; I only knew that not doing them filled me with dread. Imagine a 10-year-old kid, heart pounding, sneaking out of bed to triple-check that the front door was locked, or the gas stove wasn’t leaking – that was me.

As I grew older, my OCD evolved. What started as small rituals escalated into something much worse – something more insidious. The intrusive thoughts became relentless. At first, they were manageable, but over time, they became uncontrollable and deeply troubling. The OCD that started with harmless checking spiraled into a debilitating cycle that consumed my thoughts, leaving me exhausted and constantly on edge.

The real cruelty of OCD is that you know it doesn’t make sense, yet you feel utterly powerless to stop it. You realize that the rituals don’t prevent anything, but the anxiety feels unbearable if you don’t comply. This cycle can grow and intensify, and that’s where the real struggle and intense anxiety lies.

The Misunderstanding of OCD

People casually toss around the term “I’m so OCD” when they talk about organizing their desk or keeping a tidy house. They think of it as just a quirky preference. But for those of us who truly struggle with it, that term can be painful to hear. Real OCD isn’t about liking things in order; it’s about being held hostage by intrusive thoughts that you can’t control and performing rituals that temporarily relieve intense anxiety. It’s exhausting, it’s isolating, and it’s debilitating.

When people say “I’m so OCD” as a joke, they don’t realize that they’re trivializing what is, for many, a serious, often invisible battle.

The Breaking Point

Fast forward to my early thirties. By this time, I had a growing family and a successful career, both of which I was fiercely committed to. From the outside, I appeared to have it all together. But behind closed doors, I was battling OCD, and it was becoming harder to manage. The constant pressure of balancing a demanding career, a young family, and trying to maintain the perfect image began to take its toll. I wasn’t just dealing with work stress or family life; I was struggling with a mind consumed by irrational fears and compulsions that I couldn’t escape.

The breaking point came when I realized that if I didn’t do something soon, I couldn’t continue being the husband, father, or leader I wanted to be. I felt increasingly scared about what would happen if I didn’t seek help. The weight of fighting this battle silently was getting unbearable, and I was beginning to understand that I couldn’t keep pushing through on my own. So, I made the decision to reach out for support.

The Courage to Find Help

I spent countless hours researching OCD, reading books, articles, and finding resources that helped me understand the condition. That’s when I found the International OCD Foundation (IOCDF), and it opened the door to real help. I found a knowledgeable doctor two hours from my home who specialized in OCD.

Therapy wasn’t a quick fix. It wasn’t about finding a magic cure – it was about learning how to manage OCD and control its impact on my life. With exposure and response prevention (ERP), I learned to confront the very fears that OCD fixated on. I was taught how to resist the urge to perform compulsions and how to break the cycle of anxiety and relief. It was hard, but over time, I started to regain control.

Over the years, I have developed tools to handle it – mindfulness, routines, and healthy habits that keep OCD in check.

Helping Others and Breaking the Silence

Once I started managing my OCD, I became more attuned to others who were struggling. It was like I had learned a new language, and I could recognize the signs in others. Through that awareness, I was able to help loved ones who were also battling OCD. I shared what I had learned and helped them find the resources and support they needed.

This journey has made me realize that many people are silently struggling with their own battles, and they need to know that they’re not alone. Whether it’s OCD, anxiety, depression, or any other challenge, mental health struggles are real, and they don’t need to be faced alone. Breaking the silence, whether for yourself or for someone else, is the first step in healing.

A Message to the Reader

For the person reading this who might be fighting their own silent battle, wondering if anyone understands – you are not alone. Whatever you’re going through, it’s real, and it’s okay to acknowledge it. I’ve spent too many years hiding my struggles, thinking I had to fight alone. But I’ve learned that the first step toward healing is breaking the silence.

Reaching out for help doesn’t make you weak; it makes you strong.

Thank you for listening to my story. It’s not easy to be this open, but if it helps just one person feel less alone or decide to take that first step toward healing, it will have all been worth it.

Stay strong. Stay true. And remember, you’re not alone.

Let’s keep the fire burning.

With Absolute Sincerity,

Ed Clementi, Founder & CEO of Inspired Fire, LLC

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